Monday, December 1, 2014

Things That Go Bump In the Heat

After the restroom escapades I turn my thoughts to morning practice. The bike should fire up easily (relatively speaking) from cold, cold obviously being a relative term here in the bowels of Hell. The start procedure is just slightly less difficult than that of a hand crank Model T Ford you see, because, brilliant race engineer that I am, I removed all starting apparatus in an effort to save weight. While this practice is not without precedent in the racing world, I would have been much farther ahead to turn down some of the free pizzas my friend Tony was slipping out the back door to me and left the convenient little kickstart to prod the machine to life.

"Bump Start" procedure is as follows:
1. Turn gas on. Choke plungers up on carburetors.

2. Turn ignition on.

3. Locate 2nd gear with the shift lever using foot. If unable to do so with foot, balance the motorcycle with left hand on handlebar, kneel down and use right hand to find gear.

4. Regain breath after picking the motorcycle up because you really didn't have it balanced so well, note: your friends will be unable to assist because they are rolling around on the ground laughing at you. Repeat step #3 after cleaning up the gas that leaked everywhere and straightening the handlebar.

5. Rock the motorcycle back and forth holding the clutch lever in until the plates free. If unable to do so, adjust clutch at lever with motorcycle balanced against your leg.

6. See Step #4

7. Hopefully your dumb ass is parked on top of the largest hill in the area, in which case you merely sit on the motorcycle and coast down the hill holding the clutch in until sufficient speed is attained.

8. When sufficient speed is attained, wait a little longer so speed will be more sufficienter. [sic for you grammar nazis]

9. Lift fat ass off motorcycle seat and stand on footpegs.

10. Drop fat ass back down onto seat while simultaneously releasing clutch lever and engaging transmission.

11. Pray that you got Steps 1-3 correct, while being on the lookout for douchebags doing wheelies on pit bikes and for errant pets and youngsters running about in the pits. Parents tend to get upset when you run down their precious little snowflakes.

12. At this point the engine should begin to run. Reach down immediately and close the choke plungers to prevent the engine from flooding. Be sure to remain balanced as the motorcycle slows and you are still struggling to turn off the chokes while weaving through Chihuahuas and children. If unable to do so, see Step #4.

PLEASE NOTE: (If a suitable incline/hill is not available for this procedure, rider will have to provide adequate forward velocity by running his silly ass alongside the motorcycle and at the precise moment jump aboard side saddle, slamming down as hard as possible on the seat while releasing the clutch lever. Repeat until motorcycle is running, or is crashed (see Step #4 again) or the rider strokes out, whichever comes first. The publishers of this guide are not responsible for injuries, death/dismemberment or general butthurtness resulting from improper reading comprehension of said guide, that would be the fault of the public education system and yours for not leaving the starter on your bike like you should have.)

No comments:

Post a Comment